Choosing Love Over Fear

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As I’ve alluded to in previous posts, things over here in Maggie-land haven’t been all roses. I’m going to be honest with you all – it’s been downright tough.

In fact, most days end up a 50/50 draw between good and bad, up and down. I’m trying to keep on slogging, but some days, it’s easier said than done. My patience and love have been tested and pushed beyond their limits, and I’m generally just feeling… empty.

I’ve mostly been left with the urge to run and hide under a mountain of blankets and pillows in my parents’ non-existent basement and not come out until Spring. The temptation to just run, and allow fear of everything to take over is pretty great. The fear of getting hurt, fear of trusting, fear of lord-knows-what-all is almost too much to take some days. Why would I want to put my best, vulnerable, honest self out there again and again when it may not be enough for someone? Vulnerability is hard enough as it is. Being taken advantage of, being taken for granted or being outright rejected makes the thought of doing it all over again overwhelming, scary and frankly nauseating. I just want to stay hurt and bitter and cynical some days. Wearing an armour of sorts.

But as I was reading my dear, dear blogger-friend Anne’s post on something somewhat related, she said something that struck a chord deeply within me. She wrote:

“Choose love, always. I try so, so hard to do this, but fear always creeps back in like some nasty, annoying pest. I guess that is what this life is all about, right? Life is simply a journey of choosing love – every second of every minute of every day until we die. We have to choose it.”

I need to choose love over fear. Even when I don’t want to.

Fear is at the root of so, so many things. Hurt. Anger. Anxiety, amongst others. All of these things are terribly familiar to me, and right now, admittedly somewhat comforting. But really, I have been so afraid of so many things for so long. I have to choose love. In doing so, I’m choosing forgiveness. I’m choosing to love in spite of the hurt. It’s hard, and it will likely be an uphill battle, but I need, need to choose love. Besides, I can be afraid of whatever’s next, but I don’t know what it is – what’s the point, really, of wasting the little energy I have left on these things I can’t yet see? As someone who doesn’t do well with uncertainty, this is akin to throwing myself off a cliff and hoping there’s a lake below.

I need to practice, perhaps, choosing love in my day-to-day, because it’s also choosing hope. I don’t feel terribly hopeful these days, but without hope what else have I got left?

As a write this, a thunderstorm is rumbling away. I am afraid of storms. I’m huddled in the corner of my living room away from the windows so I don’t see or hear the storm. I’m bracing for the thunder. But the sun is starting to peek out. I can see it trying to stream in. As much as I want to keep huddling, I’m desperate to see if there’s a rainbow to the East. I don’t want to miss it – I love rainbows.

I guess it’s a sign.

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5 thoughts on “Choosing Love Over Fear

  1. Isa says:

    One of your best post yet. You are definitely worthy of love, and even though it is really hard to put yourself out there, you are doing an amazing job at overcoming your fears and being your best, amazing self. And there was a rainbow out in the East! I hope you saw it and that it made you smile.

  2. Tiffany says:

    Great post!
    I’m just in the midst of reading ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brene Brown, which you’ve maybe already come across. The premise is that we need to shift our thinking on how we view vulnerability. So often we interpret it as weakness but its in those times we feel vulnerable that we are being most courageous. That’s the first thought that came to me reading tbis. Keel being courageous! Gabby Berstein’s ‘May Cause Miracles’ talks alot about the decision to choose fear over love, and the power in being able to identify and name your fears- she calls it ‘outing’ your fears, and suggests that by speaking your them instead of letting them silently direct your life you’ve already begun to choose love.
    Looking forward to more posts!

    • Maggie says:

      Hey Tiff! Thanks for your message. 🙂 I’ve read Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. I guess while acts in of themselves are brave, they certainly don’t feel it. It’s the getting-used-to-the-discomfort part. I’ll check out May Cause Miracles – thanks for the recommendation!

  3. anne taylor says:

    Hey girl! This post is so powerful! I agree – it is so hard to have hope and to choose love over fear. This week has been especially trying for me as I’ve started my #FtheScale challenge, but I’m trying my best to be trusting that every day will get better when I lean on my faith and trust that I am capable and deserving of love and goodness. I hope the same for you! Have you heard of the book “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Live” by Jen Sincero? My friend recommended it to me last Christmas, and I’ve read half of it on my iPad. It’s really good! It’s also funny. You might get a kick out of it. And also, you’re totally the best reader ever and so sweet and really – you’re a beautiful soul and your life matters. I had a reader say that to me today, and now I’m passing it on to you. XO

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